The Poisoned Apple

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Almost every one knows the story of Snow White

Disguising herself as an ugly hag, The Evil Queen brings a poisoned apple to Snow White, who falls into a death-like sleep that can be broken only by a kiss from the Prince.
Now I’ve learnt long ago not to believe in Princes and
True Loves Kiss to save the day, but I’ve been pretty sure for a while now that I’m a Disney Princess… And here’s why!

My Evil Queen is Anxiety. It follows me wherever I go, watching me from it’s ornate mirror. And each and every time I get within arms reach of my happily-ever-after… it feeds me poisoned fruit and I die …. Ha! No, just kidding.

But imagine for a moment that Snow White’s poisoned apple is yours. And then imagine that instead of a poisoned apple it’s your own self doubt.

From the outside every thing is rosy. You look healthy and sometimes you even shine but deep down below the skin is a mixture of fear, self pity, stress and dread. And day by day it rots away inside of you, sapping your energy and casting you off into a death-like slumber that makes the simplest things like getting up each day, getting dressed, having breakfast and going to work the hardest tasks that you will ever have to face.

Anxiety is a curse. It can make you imagine that things in life are worse than they seem, it prevents you from confronting your fears and chasing your dreams with the simplest of sentences ‘But what if…’

Anxiety is manipulative. Often you will convince yourself that you are going mad. That you are not correct. That you were made wrong. And you’ll look around you at all of the people who get up every day and do their washing and clean their house and catch their trains without a second thought and your emptiness will increase because Anxiety wants you to believe that you are alone.

Every day you will reason with Anxiety, you’ll tell it that you can solve this together, with a little help from friends and family or even from a Professional. But every day Anxiety will reply that seeking help is weak, ‘You’re such a disappointment’ Anxiety will say.

Anxiety is a bit of a Dick.

From the dawn of time, we were equipped with an internal alarm system designed to protect us from the dangers surrounding us in the wild. This system would make us hyper-alert by giving us a boost of adrenaline so we were better able to fight or run from danger. The Fight or Flight response. The Butterflies in the Stomach feeling. We all associate this with anxiety, but instead of being used to avoid immediate danger, it is often wrongly and inappropriately activated in a person during normal, everyday situations when stress has built up.

I most associate my anxiety with the fear that I am constantly letting everyone down.

There are so many people in my life that care for me and look out for me and spoon feed me opportunities, and this piles on an enormous amount of pressure. Each time I screw up, each time I get set back, each time I do not live up to expectations, I am letting down every single person that ever invested their time in me.

Despite being predicted an A* student, I failed my A-Levels at the age of 18, only getting in to University because I had be given and unconditional offer based on what they believed I could do.

I dropped out of University at the age of 20. I stopped going to lectures because I didn’t think anyone would like me, I wasn’t fitting in. So I didn’t get the grades and when they offered to let me resit the year I turned them down because I was too scared of failing again.

I spent two and a half years rebuilding my life in a job, working my way up from bottom of the heap to top of the food chain and I thought I had conquered my anxieties, defeated that foe once and for all, and so at the age of 22 I quit my job to start up my own virtual business.

And there she was. My Evil Queen, with her apple of self doubt in hand. And I took the apple and bit into it and now I am afraid. I am afraid that I do not have what it takes to make it on my own. I am afraid that my clients will see my instabilities and recognize my flaws and they will not give me the time of day. And so I won’t earn any money. And I won’t succeed. And I will become homeless and destitute and it will be my own fault.

And here’s the thing. It will be my own fault. Because just like Snow White I chose to bite into that apple. I looked Anxiety in the face and I allowed it to feed me self doubts and endless negativity. I chose to believe that I am alone.

Walt Disney once said:

“You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world. But it takes people to make the dream a reality”

The universe will never find a way to cure anxiety. Every one will always be afraid of taking a leap into the unknown at some point in their lives. For some that fear will be a daily occurrence. And so if we cannot cure anxiety then we should face it together.

You can spend your days fiercely imagining your happily-ever-after or you can take that leap, with a friend on each arm (or seven very little friends Miss Snow) and make those dreams a reality.

You are not alone.

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New Home

Hello All!

It’s a little later than planned because once again life got in the way. But Studious has a new home.

Check out my new blog: Half Way House

Please please PLEASE switch over because I may not be posting in this one again and I will miss you guys otherwise

Once again thank you all for your commitment to my rants and silly opinions. It’s great to know people are listening. I’ll see you on my other page

Forever,
C x

Remodel

Hi followers

Just a little update to let you know I’m switching to a new, more organised, more mature blog.

I’ve collected a nice following over the past couple of years but I’ve never stuck to a daily or weekly rule when it comes to uploading posts. So I’m going to take a couple of days to redesign and reorganised and hopefully my new space should be up and running by the weekend.

Thank you all for your support. Ill upload a link to the new spot as soon as its ready.

Forever, C x

Chapter Two

Starsinthesky

So today is the first day of Semester at University. A momentous occasion on it’s own, the start of another year. But nothing in comparison to the perfect alignment of my universe tonight.

We went out for a cigarette. The most normal habit in the world. I’d completely forgotten tonight was the Lunar Eclipse and it was absolutely stunning. I’d never seen one before, and it was high on my bucket list. Another one to cross off. A beautiful, not to mention unforgettable experience and you should all be gutted if you missed it

Add to that, the appearance of what I like to call my ‘Spirit Animal’, a little Hedgehog appeared to say hello and sniff around and just generally remind me that this moment was for me. A little hug from a higher being telling me everything was going to be okay.

Did I mention the shooting star? I’m still not 100% sure it happened but I think it was there. A streak of light that lasted half a second.

And to top it all, I got to share the whole thing with my very best friend. The stillness and perfection of it all is impossible to capture in a hurried article, a vein attempt to write it all down before I forget any of it.

Cara joked that it was the end of a season. Every TV show has a dramatic last episode, and what’s more dramatic than the Earth aligning with the Moon and Sun?

If this is the start of the second chapter of my life then bring it on. Only good things can come from tonight and I have never felt this much at peace before.

I have amazing friends. And I have a whole year to spend with them again, all in the same place living the same lives. It just happens that today marks a year since Cara and I met, and there we were 365 days later, sat in the darkness staring up at the most stars I had ever seen.

Something good is going to happen. And I’m very excited to see what that’s going to be.

#ToriesOutNow

tumblr_no3mfw3gCv1u08zufo2_1280Above is a picture posted onto social media website; Tumblr, as the screams against Police Brutality in the USA are joined by those in Britain.

Guess what WordPressers, the BBC aren’t covering it like they should be! Last nights coverage on the BBC 1 news was 20 seconds long, a mini headline between information on the VE day celebrations, which the station have been covering in depth this weekend. It would seem the BBC have other priorities.

AN69848818Protesters and poHere we have a similar picture. This one was posted by the BBC onto an article entitled:

Whitehall Protest: Four police officers injured and vandals doub graffiti on War Memorial during clashes in London.

Same men. Same incident. Very different image. This is just a toe in the water compared to the lengths that the BBC are really going to to cover things up.

For example: ‘Vandals’ defaced the memorial. A few protesters without a cause compared to the thousands who have been marching the city using their words, not their actions, to promote change in our Government. But why on earth would the Headlines mention that? Where is the interest after all?

What started as a ‘100 people peaceful protest’ has escalated to thousands of angry men, women and teenagers upped signs and megaphones.

Admittedly, some efforts by protesters are unwarranted and unnecessary. For example the graffiti on the statue was a poorly thought out, half-assed attempt to get attention and has given the BBC yet more fuel to their Media Black-out fire. And a group of students walking around in masks from popular movie ‘The Purge‘ shouting ‘Hands up don’t shoot’ is not exactly well aimed anger. But in comparison to the thousands that are gathered together to march peacefully, it begs the question who threw the first punch which resulted in the ‘police protection’ read as: brute force, that is appearing by the second across social media platforms?

Arrest count stands at 17 protesters. The BBC says

“Four police officers and one member of police staff have been injured policing this protest. Two are being treated in hospital. One officer is being treated for a suspected dislocated shoulder. The member of police staff is being treated for a cut lip after being struck by an object. The three other officers were assaulted and did not require hospital treatment.”

Yes you read that correctly, the poor hospitalised Police Officer is being treated for a split lip. I split my lip not long ago, I fell down a two story set of concrete stairs. What did I do next? I applied a bit of toilet paper to soak up the blood and then went to my two hour English Literature lecture.

The BBC also states:

“There are no reported injuries to any members of the public.”

Whether that is the case or not, it is hard to tell at this stage, though unnecessary man handling is evident in the many pictures being posted by angry Britons up and down the country.

For link to the BBC article which mentions the riots in the same article reporting on the VE celebrations, and the Concert which had been organised by The British Legion to mark the 70 Year anniversary, can be found here .

Pay particular attention to how heroic the Police appear in these pictures! Fine upstanding citizens of the law aren’t they?

For the people’s opinion on the latest events follow the #TorriesOutNow tag on most social media sites.

Please be careful when uploading your own information or pictures (Which I absolutely encourage) that you tag with #ToriesOutNow so that you get as much awareness as possible or #MediaBlackout

If you are out in London, be safe, don’t do anything rash, and do not look to start a fight. Please don’t give the UK Police force any excuse to continue promoting the Anti-Austerity Marches as violent and unstructured.

I will be posting on this again with in the next 48 hours, as and when I learn more about what is going on. (Along with a few comments on the memorial graffiti and the VE day celebrations, which my lovely friend has been filming live to your tele-boxes!) Please feel free to comment below and/or share this with your friends.

We need to get word out there, because it seems if we don’t speak up, no one will.

Be Safe!
Forever, C x

Slam

Just tried my hand at some Slam Poetry. Obviously it’s suppose to be spoken so some inflections might sound funny in your head because they sit differently in mine, but I hope you like it. And if you do, please share with others 🙂

Forever, C x

Love.
Because I will take all of my flaws
rip them to shreds
tape them back together
and mail them with a first class stamp
even though
you’d never ask me to.
Love.
When shards fall from the sky
and blades slice my veins
and I bleed into ashes
but I still raise my arms to the sky
and worship the shit on your shoes.
Love.
When every point in my body comes alive
even the bruises on my soul
for the glint in your eyes
when you’re yelling that you hate me
and this time
you mean it.
Love.
Because my heart breaks every time someone else is treated to the beauty in your brows
the serenity in your smile
the etheriality in your earlobes
And it’s ripping and slicing
and bending and breaking
but I will bear each brutality
because baby you are worth it.
Silence.
In the miles and meters between us
in the air between the fingers on our hands that no longer interlock
but its okay
because I can still feel your touch on my skin
still smell your sent on my hair
and it lingers like
cigarette
smoke
but sweeter like honey
or deeper
like wood
and I love you.
I love you
like Romeo loves Juliet
but better
like Elizabeth loves Darcy
but harder
like Hannibal loves Will Graham
only
less people being eaten.
I want to eat you.
I want to swallow your stories
digest your dreams
then breath them into being
just to make you happy.
Because happy
it’s a commodity
and baby you deserve to be it

Very Angry Teenager

Okay this is a short one because I’m not a happy bunny.

Here I am, scrolling through Tumblr and from the top of my page to where I am now, I have counted 26 posts about how ‘kids these days’ are violent and/or abusive.

The tip of the iceberg was this bad boy:

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The tag for this gif is ‘#thisgeneration’

ERM no!

Correct me if I’m wrong but the last time I checked, it was not normal  for a teenage boy to brush his teeth with a toothbrush attached to a revolver.

This child obviously has issues

NO ONE ELSE DOES THIS

This does not make our generation violent. It just makes this twat a bit of a dick head.

Gun crime isn’t a little joke, and teens with morals and relatively decent upbringings do not find it amusing or cool.

And while we are at it, we don’t wear hoodies to intimidate old people. Just because I wear black does not mean that’s the color my soul is. And when I’m buying a kitchen knife from Asda it’s not because i’m going to stab someone, it’s because I’m a student who doesn’t get enough Vitamins and feels the need to prep some veggies!!

Now get over your stupid stereotypes.
Forever, C x